...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Randomize
