I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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