with your own penis?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
she peed on how many people?
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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