is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
