How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
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