My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
