hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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