went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
