My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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