the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
