two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
