If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize