My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
well, you know. whores of a feather.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
