This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
