You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
