We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize