yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
