you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
