So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize