i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
