i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
