turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
