I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
