Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
