You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
