the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
there's paper in my vomit.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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