i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
