critical mistake not lubing the nipples
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize