I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
