if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
We need to rekindle our bromance
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Well I just put wine in my tea
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
