If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
