Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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