I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize