The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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