I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
