Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
You made out with two different species that night
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
