apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
