Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
