turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
