Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
