i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
