Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
