what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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