trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
