a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
