I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
