halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
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