Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
