my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
