Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize