Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
