And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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