I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize