wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
