Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
