Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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