just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
