I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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